So im not really sure where to begin but before i start I'd like for you
all to know the reaosn why I'm telling my story, its not because i wish
for anyone to pity me or anything of the sort, more or so to get some
type of closure, to finally break free of my past and start living a new
life. And so here my confusing and long story begins...
So my story begins my senior year of high school, to many of my friends
im known as a trust worthy friend who just cant let friendships break no
matter whats happened. Ive always pushed them to fix things or at least
make them somewhat better, because to me losing a friend is like losing
a piece of your heart. Well anyways my best friend since grade school
AJ was having problems with one of her good friends jack. See the
problem was jack fell in love with AJ but she didn't feel the same, she
never led him on nor provoked him in anyway to think she felt the same
but i guess he just hoped she magically would, once he told her his
feelings. So like basically after a month of her knowing the truth, jack
wasn't able to face her anymore and he wanted to end there friendship
but she just couldn't bear losing such a close friend and she came to me
crying asking me to help, so i talked to jack making him realize it
wasn't worth losing a friend, that if he really loved her, he shouldn't
be so persistent on letting her go and ending all ties with her. So
after that they were fine but than a few weeks later the same thing
happened, and I was always brought in by either Aj or jack. And because
of this me and jack had gotten a lot closer, we were friends he had
helped me with a four year on and off relationship. But now we were a
lot closer, always going to each other for things or when we just wanted
to talk. By homecoming i had started to develop feelings for him, we
were always hanging out and there was a certain group of friends that
could see what was going on, he admitted to liking me to a friend, when
he was lying on my lap and my friend trish texted him asking him if he
liked me he showed me his reply which was a yes and than what she'd
asked. By than my feelings were getting stronger so i decided to text
him and tell him how i felt. And his reply was to put it bluntly i feel
the same way about you as Aj felt about me and i was crushed, we didn't
text for a few days than he texted me, and he revealed his actual
feelings that he did like me but he wasn't ready to be in a relationship
because he had never been in one, he hadn't even had his first kiss. In
the beginning it hurt to know he felt the same yet he didn't want to be
with me and i kept a distance but than i realized i wasn't willing to
lose him because of some dumb feelings so we went back to normal and my
feelings were pushed to the back of my heart. We started hanging out
more than usual, he went shopping with me even if it was just to go to
wal-mart to grab dog food, and than spring break hit and things became
intense. We met everyday day that break each time our physical
relationship going to lengths id never expected. On the Tuesday of break
i became his first kiss and he became my first on my different levels, i
remained a virgin yet had given so much to this one guy. Which wasn't
like me, to me a kiss is more than just two lips touching its something
more deeper and meaningful, I never would have imagined going so far
with a boy who i had no actual title too who i couldn't call my husband
or my boyfriend. It tore me apart every time i thought of yet for some
reason when i was with jack none of it matter. Because there was a
moment that made it all worth it, that moment when we just lay there me
with my head upon his chest and him just staring down at me, that
silence that moment when he kissed my forehead made me forget of all the
consequences. I had forgotten reality and was stuck on this imaginary
road where he was my prince charming and he was but my fairy tale had
its twist though he was everything i wanted, i wasn't his Cinderella, AJ
was. He still loved her and yet he liked me, there was only a few of
whom knew about me and him and he himself never knew they knew nor would
he ever find out. And yet there were those who could see that something
between us when we were in a room together. Soon reality began hitting
me i guess you could say it began when we started to constantly be on
the phone with each other everything would be perfect, he'd tell me a
bed time story to help me sleep, it'd be perfect everything i wanted,
but than his tone would change and he'd become some depressed male
mourning over a girl he would never get, telling me of dreams he had
about Aj, and saying how much he loved her and wished she'd felt the
same. Those words were like knives to my heart. We'd see each other day
after day and it'd be about me and jack than at night it was as though i
was just a friend, as though we had done nothing, he'd go on and on
about the girl he loved while i covered the microphone so he couldn't
hear me sobbing. Than jack and i began to fight over small things and I,
the girl who was so dead set on never ending a friendship, told him
that was what i wanted, we cried, screamed, yelled, and yet he never let
me go, i didn't know who to go to, Aj though she was my best friend
just like a sister didn't know everything me and jack had done, all she
could see was the pain i was in and she felt as though it was her fault
because she was the reason he wasn't mine so after awhile i acted as
though everything was fine. One day me and jack were just sitting in my
car and i looked at him and i said this is the last time jack, and he
argued jokingly saying no its not we both know it, and i looked up at
him with tears pouring down my face and i said yes jack it is you can do
this with someone you actually love, his facial expression changed and
he said i do love you tina and i said i know as a friend, and maybe
that's when he realized, how much i was hurting, he took me into his
arms and said okay. we just sat there me trying to stop those stupid
tears from coming and him spelling some in the foggy windows of my car i
looked up so see our initials, and he was about to create a heart and i
pulled his hand down and said it was time to go, pushing him out of the
back seat and quickly getting out trying to dry my wet face, he came
over and hugged me than lowered his lips to mine but i moved my face
away and he got closer and whispered the last time right, and he gently
kissed my lips. I asked him if he would read a letter id write for him
and he said yes, now I've written that letter for him but he hasn't
received it yet, Why? because I'm waiting til i leave for school so i
don't have to face him, so i don't have to feel his sympathy towards me
because i don't need that. I don't want anyone to think I'm weak. yet i
sit here crying myself to sleep every night just wishing he was here,
wishing i could have just one more kiss and just wishing i were dead so i
wouldn't have to feel this dam pain anymore because it doesn't get any
better only worse, i have no safe place to call my own anymore because
hes been everywhere with me i have so many memories i wish i could push
aside. But i cant. He hasn't texted me, called me, or had any contact
with me for two weeks, does he not care? do i not mean anything to him? I
loved him, loved him more than my own life, ready to give it up just so
he could be happy, but i guess he doesn't see that, i only have a few
more weeks here, than ill be gone, he'll get my letter and ill be ready
to start a new chapter in my life. Though this first love has brought so
much pain and heartache upon my heart and sole i wouldn't change a
thing, wont give up that first kiss, the first touch, or the first
goodbye. He will always be in my heart, he was my first love. Though i
cry I'm still willing to go through the whole thing over, knowing he'll
never love me the same way he loves Aj. I ask myself why everyday and
yet i don't really have an answer...
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