A twist in my story

So im not really sure where to begin but before i start I'd like for you all to know the reaosn why I'm telling my story, its not because i wish for anyone to pity me or anything of the sort, more or so to get some type of closure, to finally break free of my past and start living a new life. And so here my confusing and long story begins...

So my story begins my senior year of high school, to many of my friends im known as a trust worthy friend who just cant let friendships break no matter whats happened. Ive always pushed them to fix things or at least make them somewhat better, because to me losing a friend is like losing a piece of your heart. Well anyways my best friend since grade school AJ was having problems with one of her good friends jack. See the problem was jack fell in love with AJ but she didn't feel the same, she never led him on nor provoked him in anyway to think she felt the same but i guess he just hoped she magically would, once he told her his feelings. So like basically after a month of her knowing the truth, jack wasn't able to face her anymore and he wanted to end there friendship but she just couldn't bear losing such a close friend and she came to me crying asking me to help, so i talked to jack making him realize it wasn't worth losing a friend, that if he really loved her, he shouldn't be so persistent on letting her go and ending all ties with her. So after that they were fine but than a few weeks later the same thing happened, and I was always brought in by either Aj or jack. And because of this me and jack had gotten a lot closer, we were friends he had helped me with a four year on and off relationship. But now we were a lot closer, always going to each other for things or when we just wanted to talk. By homecoming i had started to develop feelings for him, we were always hanging out and there was a certain group of friends that could see what was going on, he admitted to liking me to a friend, when he was lying on my lap and my friend trish texted him asking him if he liked me he showed me his reply which was a yes and than what she'd asked. By than my feelings were getting stronger so i decided to text him and tell him how i felt. And his reply was to put it bluntly i feel the same way about you as Aj felt about me and i was crushed, we didn't text for a few days than he texted me, and he revealed his actual feelings that he did like me but he wasn't ready to be in a relationship because he had never been in one, he hadn't even had his first kiss. In the beginning it hurt to know he felt the same yet he didn't want to be with me and i kept a distance but than i realized i wasn't willing to lose him because of some dumb feelings so we went back to normal and my feelings were pushed to the back of my heart. We started hanging out more than usual, he went shopping with me even if it was just to go to wal-mart to grab dog food, and than spring break hit and things became intense. We met everyday day that break each time our physical relationship going to lengths id never expected. On the Tuesday of break i became his first kiss and he became my first on my different levels, i remained a virgin yet had given so much to this one guy. Which wasn't like me, to me a kiss is more than just two lips touching its something more deeper and meaningful, I never would have imagined going so far with a boy who i had no actual title too who i couldn't call my husband or my boyfriend. It tore me apart every time i thought of yet for some reason when i was with jack none of it matter. Because there was a moment that made it all worth it, that moment when we just lay there me with my head upon his chest and him just staring down at me, that silence that moment when he kissed my forehead made me forget of all the consequences. I had forgotten reality and was stuck on this imaginary road where he was my prince charming and he was but my fairy tale had its twist though he was everything i wanted, i wasn't his Cinderella, AJ was. He still loved her and yet he liked me, there was only a few of whom knew about me and him and he himself never knew they knew nor would he ever find out. And yet there were those who could see that something between us when we were in a room together. Soon reality began hitting me i guess you could say it began when we started to constantly be on the phone with each other everything would be perfect, he'd tell me a bed time story to help me sleep, it'd be perfect everything i wanted, but than his tone would change and he'd become some depressed male mourning over a girl he would never get, telling me of dreams he had about Aj, and saying how much he loved her and wished she'd felt the same. Those words were like knives to my heart. We'd see each other day after day and it'd be about me and jack than at night it was as though i was just a friend, as though we had done nothing, he'd go on and on about the girl he loved while i covered the microphone so he couldn't hear me sobbing. Than jack and i began to fight over small things and I, the girl who was so dead set on never ending a friendship, told him that was what i wanted, we cried, screamed, yelled, and yet he never let me go, i didn't know who to go to, Aj though she was my best friend just like a sister didn't know everything me and jack had done, all she could see was the pain i was in and she felt as though it was her fault because she was the reason he wasn't mine so after awhile i acted as though everything was fine. One day me and jack were just sitting in my car and i looked at him and i said this is the last time jack, and he argued jokingly saying no its not we both know it, and i looked up at him with tears pouring down my face and i said yes jack it is you can do this with someone you actually love, his facial expression changed and he said i do love you tina and i said i know as a friend, and maybe that's when he realized, how much i was hurting, he took me into his arms and said okay. we just sat there me trying to stop those stupid tears from coming and him spelling some in the foggy windows of my car i looked up so see our initials, and he was about to create a heart and i pulled his hand down and said it was time to go, pushing him out of the back seat and quickly getting out trying to dry my wet face, he came over and hugged me than lowered his lips to mine but i moved my face away and he got closer and whispered the last time right, and he gently kissed my lips. I asked him if he would read a letter id write for him and he said yes, now I've written that letter for him but he hasn't received it yet, Why? because I'm waiting til i leave for school so i don't have to face him, so i don't have to feel his sympathy towards me because i don't need that. I don't want anyone to think I'm weak. yet i sit here crying myself to sleep every night just wishing he was here, wishing i could have just one more kiss and just wishing i were dead so i wouldn't have to feel this dam pain anymore because it doesn't get any better only worse, i have no safe place to call my own anymore because hes been everywhere with me i have so many memories i wish i could push aside. But i cant. He hasn't texted me, called me, or had any contact with me for two weeks, does he not care? do i not mean anything to him? I loved him, loved him more than my own life, ready to give it up just so he could be happy, but i guess he doesn't see that, i only have a few more weeks here, than ill be gone, he'll get my letter and ill be ready to start a new chapter in my life. Though this first love has brought so much pain and heartache upon my heart and sole i wouldn't change a thing, wont give up that first kiss, the first touch, or the first goodbye. He will always be in my heart, he was my first love. Though i cry I'm still willing to go through the whole thing over, knowing he'll never love me the same way he loves Aj. I ask myself why everyday and yet i don't really have an answer...

my best friend , my love :)

I sit next to you at lunch, my best friend, and enjoy every second of our time together. When you leave us, I have no reason to stay and socialize with the others in our group.

I sit at home, waiting excitedly to get a text back from you, not caring how long it takes you to reply. When you don’t, I shrug and wait anticipatingly for the next time we talk. I go on facebook, coming to your profile. When I see your picture, I think of how lucky I am to call you my friend. I think about you as my mind wanders. When I think about our friendship, I realize my feelings for you.

I curse myself for falling for my best friend. When I see you again, however, I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I talk to you about our plans. When we come up with something, our activity becomes the highlight of my week.

I sit beside you, this time just the two of us. When I talk with you alone, it just feels so incredibly right. I sit on the couch with you, you becoming the center of my universe. When you make me smile, it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world.
I look at you and admire how beautiful you are. When I see your smile, it can’t help but lift my spirits. I hang out with you again, this time in a large group. When I’m with you, however, there is no one else there. I sit close to you, the two of us crammed together on the couch. When I feel you against me and sense how you have no problem with it, I’m thankful you feel that comfortable around me.

I feel the urge to put my arm around you. When I imagine doing it, it makes all the sense in the world.
I leave your house, and am saying good-bye before I drive home. When you express how much you want to make sure I get home safe, I thank you and feel incredibly lucky. I dream about the day I ask you to be mine. When I realize why that day won’t come soon if ever, my heart sinks a bit. I see you with your boyfriend. When I realize how good you two are for each other and how happy you are, I realize what I have to do. I accept I have to hide my feelings to save you pain and distress. When I think of you, however, I still can’t help but dream of asking you to be mine.

I sit beside you at lunch, my best friend, and enjoy every second of our time together. When I see you almost as happy with me as with him, I’m reminded of a sad fact. We would have been perfect for each other, if you two weren’t already perfect for each other.

You go away to college, and I’m left here. When we say good-bye, I can barely hold back my emotions. We continue to talk over the years through text. When I feel the urge to confess my feelings, I manage to control myself out of my love for you ironically enough. You give me the news that you and your boyfriend are getting married. When I hear it, I feel and express overwhelming happiness for you, while deep down also feeling overwhelming sadness. You ask me to be part of the honor attendants. When I accept your offer, I also am forced to accept that you and I can now never be together.

The day comes, and I stand one of the attendants. When you two kiss, I’m the first to cheer for you.
The years pass by, and you remain consistently happy. When I acknowledge this, I am forced to move on.
I get married and ask you to be my best woman. When you accept, I’m excited and glad we could at least be among each others’ honor attendants if not the bride and groom.

Many years pass, and we remain happily married. When I think of you, I still can’t help but think what if I've told you everything. We live the rest of our lives, and you never know of my deeper feelings for you. When I lay dying, I hold firm that it was for the best, despite how hard it was.